The Vacation from Hell

Originally posted on Monday, March 23, 2009 at 1:27pm

Since inquiring minds wanted to know -- and I would hate to leave anyone out of the loop... here you go!

First, this vacation has been planned for over a year. Probably closer to two years. So let's start there.

Also, it's important to know that we went with my husband's brother and his wife. It's also important to know that they do not have children. So they don't "get" that kids have a routine, kids have a schedule, and when that routine and schedule is messed up, kids can get cranky.

For those of you who didn't know, Claire has spent the better part of the past few months sick in one way or another. Mostly it's been the respiratory stuff that hits our family every winter. However, for the week leading up to our departure for sunny Florida, Claire has been up every night throwing up with uncontrollable diarrhea.

We were optimistic that the virus would run it's course before we left. When it got to be the night before and we were still not feeling great I was a bit concerned but, well, the tickets were paid for... what are we going to do?

So, with concern for Claire in mind, we set off for the airport last Monday. We probably asked her a thousand times on the car ride in if she felt okay, if her tummy was bothering her, if anything hurt? Nope, she said she was fine.

So, we speed through check in, drop off the bags, get through security, all is fine. As I am helping Claire put her shoes back on after going through the checkpoint I take a good look at my kid. Claire has hives. And not little spots... no. Big, angry, red welts all over her face. I mean, she looked bad. Bad bad. Security coming up and asking what is wrong with her bad.

We get her out of the security checkpoint and try to find a place to sit down to check her over. Five minutes later... hives are gone. WTF?

Back to asking her: Are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt? She's fine. Oka-aay.

We're on the plane. Are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt? "I'm FINE Mama!" Oka-aay.

Plane takes off. And Quinn start puking. Not Claire, who we've been worried about. Quinn. He spends the better part of the 3 hour plane ride puking. And puking. And puking some more. The flight attendants finally bring a garbage bag when he's gone through 4 air sickness bags.

They tell us as we get off the plane that they're just happy he didn't start a chain reaction. Lovely.

We get to the hotel... more puking. And more puking. Jeeezus -- the kid doesn't eat that much! How much vomit can one child have in him?!?

The Claire starts in with the diarrhea. Oh joy! This is going to be fun!

So, first night in Orlando and we've had uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. And hives. Oh, did I forget to mention the hives? They keep coming back. Horrible, angry, red hives that show up in weird spots and then disappear only to reappear hours later.

The kids don't have dinner. They have Immodium, Benadryl, Maalox and children's Pepto Bismol. But Yay! We're in Florida!

The morning after a sleepless night spent puking and pooping dawns and my sister-in-law, whom I shall fondly refer to as the Drill Sergeant, has our day planned. Oh, you spent the whole night on the toilet? I don't care! We're in Florida and we're going to DO STUFF!!!

Nevermind that we've got two exhausted and sick kids and one exhausted mother, we're here to DO STUFF!

So, we drive to Cocoa Beach. Lots of hives, but no puking! No pooping! Whoo hoo. After a few hours spent at the shore, we come back to the hotel. Puking and pooping recommences. And, wait for it, MORE HIVES! Wow, are we having fun or what? Let's go to SEA WORLD!!!!

After spending the evening throwing up at Sea World, we're back at the hotel. Another sleepless night. Seriously, how is this even possible?

Wednesday morning dawns and the Drill Sergeant has decided that, after spending the night throwing up and having the runs, nothing sounds like a better time than going to a water park!!! Oh, and Quinn throwing up in the sand? A minor inconvenience, easily overlooked.

After being pooped and puked on for over a week straight, guess what? I'm now sharing in the joys the children have been experiencing. Although at least I don't have hives.

Every stinking day and every stinking night of this vacation was spent either suffering from nausea, vomiting and diarrhea, or worrying when it was going to hit again. And every morning dawns with Drill Sergeant stating what our itinerary is for the day. Pay no mind that every night is spent up with one -- or both -- of the children. Drill Sergeant wants to do something and what Drill Sergeant wants, Drill Sergeant gets.

On the bright side, we managed to throw up at Sea World, Aquatica Water Park, the lobby of the Marriott hotel and Orlando International Airport. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

And just think of all the money we saved by not having to buy treats or snacks while visiting any of those places. Of course, we spent well over $100 on Immodium, Pepto and the like, but just think of the memories we were making!

Oh, and I love the part where I had to apologize to my 40+ year old sister in law that she didn't get to go on Krakken at Sea World because the vomiting children wanted to go back to the hotel. Nevermind the fact that she goes to effing Sea World twice a year (at least) and has been on Krakken about a zillion times. Because really, the vacation is all about her.

So, we're home now. It's raining, it's cold, but at least I can puke in my own toilet. There's something comforting in that.